Tuesday, July 2, 2024
I’ve been thinking about our co-workers and colleagues and what to do when they come to us in frustration. If you’re a manager, it probably happens more than you’d like. The shy almost inaudible knock at the door. Then they don’t quite enter when you look up and greet them. Instead, they ask with hesitation “… Have you got a minute?” The tone suggests it’s OK if you do not, in fact, have a minute … but that tone is misleading. Always say yes, and then settle in, it’s going to be more than a minute. How you handle what follows can be crucial.
First off, forget about that email you were writing, or the project work you were finally getting to. You can get back to it. Finish the sentence you were working on if you need to, but go no further. Turn away from your screen or button up whatever was on your desk. Give them your undivided attention. Eyes meeting theirs, hands folded, mouth shut.
Odds are they’ll try to sound casual, but their body language might give away the fact this is not at all casual.
Some will verbally saunter toward the topic in a roundabout manner, others will launch straight into the heart of the issue, and still others will apologize for the necessity of the conversation at all.
If you have a saunter-er, be patient and keep listening. They might need some time to set a foundation for background context before they get to their larger point. This will be the information you need to know to inform your response. Your patience while listening to the preamble helps them to know that they’re being heard. Don’t rush them.
If you have a straight to the heart of the issue person, be ready to ask what you can do to help.
If the person across from you is apologizing for bringing the problem to you at all, that’s usually a signal that emotions are in play. This person might need a metaphorical hug most of all.
The shorthand for clarity in these situations can be remembered by the question, “Do you need heard, helped or hugged?”
Often times, people arrive in a situation unclear about what they actually need. This clarifying question might help them stop and assess their needs. Once they can identify whether they need to be heard, helped, or hugged, then you’ll have a better understanding of what positive resolution of the situation might look like.
If you’re more than 5 minutes into the discussion (or after the saunter-er has come to the actual issue), and you aren’t clear what they’re needing, ask; don’t assume. “I just want to make sure I’m in the mode you need me to be in, are you needing heard, helped or hugged?”
When you manage people, no two are the same. Yet your initial instincts might be to employ an approach that is standard and comfortable for you. For example, if you’re operationally minded, you might want to treat everyone as if they’re a straight to the point type person. Your instinct might be to leap to the bottom line and ask what action they’re looking for. If you’re a natural listener, or a natural talker, you might be inclined to merely offer a sympathetic ear and totally miss the fact that what they really are asking for is specific action. And if you’re a natural soother or hugger, you might make the mistake of offering empathy when what they really need is action.
In all cases, if your primary goal is to make them feel better as quickly as possible and get them out the door so you can get back to what you were working on before, you haven’t solved the problem. In fact, it will be back soon larger than before, and you can go back around the mulberry bush again. If you’re lucky. If, however, your co-worker concludes that expecting the type of reception they want or need from you is fruitless, your next conversation might be about why they’re burnt out, why their productivity is down, or why they’re leaving the company.
It’s a mistake to assume you know how to fix their issue, or even that they want the issue to be fixed. If you help them focus early in the conversation about what their preferences are, the rest of the conversation can be much more productive.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not encouraging any, “I just need to vent…” conversations. Quite the opposite. In my opinion, those are the least productive and most toxic conversations that occur in a workplace. 100 times out of 100, that person does not “just want to vent”. Rather, they want to find out if you’re a grievance scratching post they can recruit to help keep their nails sharp. It’s the fast-food equivalent of issue management, you can indulge in “just venting,” and three hours later they’ll be hungry again, back to “vent” some more. If you have any of those cycles active in your world, break them. They’re the opposite of productive.
However, if someone really needs a good listening to, take time and really listen. Eventually ask them what a positive resolution would look like in their mind. If they cite any change requests, first ask what steps they’re willing to take in pursuit of change. Finally, ask what steps you can take in conjunction with and in support of their steps toward improving the situation. In these scenarios you can brainstorm together to determine what action is required and by whom.
If they’re not willing to offer steps they can take, there is almost never a case where your sole action will be an adequate or thorough solution.
In the scenario where someone is clearly asking for help, see if there is anything you can do in support of them first helping themselves. If not, your sole action might be warranted here.
And if it’s a situation where they just need a metaphorical hug? Summon your empathy to offer a caring nod and give comfort, but do not turn it into an opportunity to commiserate. There are too many opportunities for attempted commiseration to go poorly.
Being human is hard. Collaborating together in workplaces can be hard. Learning and respecting functional boundaries are often hard concepts to learn and employ.
Helping others identify what they do or do not want or need in any given situation can make it less hard.
It works great at home, too.
Until Next Time,
Mary Schuster
Chief Knowledge Officer
October Research, LLC